DRESSED TO KILL YOURSELF by ROB HARDIN _Postmodern Culture_ v.2 n.3 (May, 1992) Copyright (c) 1992 by Rob Hardin, all rights reserved. This text may be freely shared among individuals, but it may not be republished in any medium without express written consent from the author and advance notification of the editors. DUPLICATE FOG AND DRESDEN CERUMEN ================================================================ There had been a series of | (Tuesday, July 9th, 1985: was spectacular killings west of | it something I'd said, or had New Haven. By all reports, | the individual molecules of the victims had been | styrene in Molly's flaming imaginatively disfigured. The | plastic cup become volatile textured palette techniques by | mutagens, altering her genes? which their intestines had | Why had her lips become seven- been rearranged to suggest | foot-long cave worms that Satan Casting ET Into The Lake | writhed whenever the DFA of Fire were the subject of | inspector passed? I tried not both critical praise and | to feel personally insulted, craftsman's speculation. How | but the vertigo and loss of had the strangely anonymous | memory caused by low-level murderer been able to make his | exposure to polycyclic parings in the murk acquire | aromatics was getting to me. such distinct borders? Of | Hell, I thought, why not particular interest was his | propose on my monomer-dusted work in broken capillaries. | knees (the surfaces of which Here, the shadings of blue and | were already beginning to red were so subtle as to | pulsate with passion and suggest the airbrush work of | deformity)? But it was too Futura 2000 (an ancient LES | late. Molly had already artist whose techniques have | changed into a 350-nanograms- been much imitated in these | per-gram representation of the times of draftsmen automatons. | Rape of the Sabine Women, | rendered in hot pink fur.) But after the telejournalist | reviews and panel discussions | Privately, however, Onion knew had thoroughly analyzed Khaki | the true reason for his Cadaver 5, and academidroids | success: his ability to utter were left to dry-hump its | wordless streams of syllables aesthetic until the skin had | that reduced his clients to a been worn away, the public's | soporific state in which lack of interest voided the | they'd empty their wallets, subject. There was something | drop their pants, and imagine precious in the murderer's | themselves contestants on technique; it was too self- | Wheel of Fortune. For Onion's conscious; it lacked that | special episode, the usual bold, splashy manner which | wheel was replaced by a huge, Americans love. His would | proctologically correct never be the work of a | representation of Vanna successful mainstream killer-- | White's anus just after sodomy but since the murderer was an | by the entire executive staff idiot savant, perhaps | of CBS. The inflamed areas financial success were better | were marked off in greed- left to those who would | inducing shades of olive and actually recognize its | magenta, and bore the rewards. | potential scores which a spin | of the anus might achieve: sex Dwayne was a hydrocephalic | with broccoli pulverizers, millionaire who had squandered | cappucino sprinklers, his trust fund on musical dog | vibrating swimsuit erasers, collars. They'd arrived by | you name it. The grand prize the mobile homeful, | was this: the endangered ritualistically daisy-chained | wildlife species of the to Victrolas. But when his | contestant's choice, smeared brokers came to remove his | with Heinz 57 and slivers of sternum and optic fiber caps, | prosciutto, and offered to him Dwayne knew it was time to | for ocular penetration. join RMSA (Retarded | Millionaire Sexaholics | Anonymous) or face a life of | aggressive, monosyllabic | panhandling. At RMSA, he met | a friend who was to become the | very apex of his sobriety: | Onion, a mongoloid turpentine | heir who'd spent his entire | fortune on topless shoe- | shines. Through the I-Can't- | Count-But-There-Are-More- | Steps-Than-I-Have-Fingers | Program, he became a | successful infanticide | entrepreneur, setting up his | own BabyHeadGallery--a name | which reflected both the | nature of the murders and the | stunted emotional growth of | the killers themselves. | ================================================================= DRESSED TO KILL YOURSELF: ================================================================= | %The sites he recalled were | It was a voice that seemed too side-roads of the broken.% The | aware of time. Pitches came faces of dispirited mobs, a | unmoored, syllables lengthened driftwood of deltas--even the | to slow tides. Explanations people he'd killed formed a | deserted the speaker, leaving discontinuous whole. It was a | dribbled ellipses, or pattern he'd noticed before, | consonants like sliced though not until now with | fingertips. It had only one resignation. | thing to express--the | hesitation had become the Earlier that afternoon, the | outline of the inexpressible. rest stops of the dead had | An aural watermark of seemed merely pathetic. %Poor | Katherine's wordless fear. puny things%, he'd said, | quoting Dwight Frye as he set | Now it is midnight. His fire to a corpse's hair. He'd | uneasiness recedes, allowing watched it burn with something | him to feel the night air. It like aesthetic pleasure--the | sweeps across his face from temples torch-maned, the eyes | the open window. He remembers past all statement, like | paying to sit here--someone erasures. Then he'd doused | else's memory, a news clip he the smoldering skull with | was too preoccupied to watch. Cabarnet and gently placed it | He sits beside a fat teenager with the others. It was the | with confederate flag patches zero-wide maw which topped a | sewn onto the pockets of his pile of severed heads so | jean jacket, confederate pins disfigured they couldn't even | dangling from its sleeves. stare. | Did the teenager sit near the | black bus driver out of He'd stuffed the heads into a | meanness or stupidity? burlap sack and left them in | Probably both. The bus driver Washington Square Park. He'd | looks at the kid and smiles. gazed down into the opening | It is not often that racism is for a quarter of an hour, | properly labelled. If hatred until blood and rot began to | were always this self- satin the fabric that had | explanatory, you could keep concealed them. Then he'd | track of your enemies. walked away cooly, feeling the | heads settle and drain. An | * Demon-snakes ate Dead Sea * extravagance, he'd thought. | * apples, Spitting bits of * Crushed peaches bleeding juice | * bitter ash. * into the grains of white | cobblestone. | He lifts his eyes from a page | which smells of shredded Though he'd been wandering | coconut. %They burned me with away from the death site for | my own mind%, he fumes. They hours, William was still the | always do. Like last Friday, unwilling recipient of | when he'd attempted to get visions. The city itself | into Hellbound--a club known seemed haunted, if only by | and reviled for its hostile emblems. A gangly blonde | door policy. leaned against the support | beam of the bus stop, her body | * Tell them who you are, * a gesture towards negation. | * Billy. Glare right into * %Free me%, it pleaded. %I'd | * the doorman's squeezed * rather be dead than old%. Yet | * eyes. Even if he thinks * William rejected its luxuriant | * his position amounts to a * offer. Lusts sated, he was | * royal title, even if he * free to reconsider fidelity. | * doesn't understand how * | * power structures meet and * Reflected neon signs hovered | * overlap, you won't have * in cafe windows like | * to cinch this guy a * superconductors of the | * greeting card eulogy at * unattainable. They floated | * tomorrow's funeral party. * beside him as he walked | * The people in this city * towards Willamette Bridge. | * who know your name are * Even outside his mind, he | * too frightened to slag * lived in a city halved by | * it. They'll be holding * rivers. At last crossing, | * back the syllables long * he'd been sitting in his | * after the current nest of * apartment. Then the phone | * celebutantes is broken, * rang. It was Katherine, the | * and the club parasites * tiny speaker of the answering | * have flitted out of town. * machine distorting her | apologies into near gibberish. | She'd finally gotten up the | nerve to call him and wanted | to leave her new number. | Instinctively, he'd risen from | his seat, unable to sit or | pick up the phone. It was all | happening just as he'd | predicted. After she'd run | away, after the infidelities | rumored and real, she'd | appeared six months later to | ruin his dinner date at | Hamburger Mary's. And now she | had entered his studio | apartment through the phone | line, her stammer tugging his | private face. | ================================================================= (Millipedes.) ================================================================= THERE WERE PLACES || ________________ || ...IN THE IN ROBBIE ROSS || | | || INDIVIDUAL CAN MEMORIAL CEMETERY || |"I am gristle. | || SPUMED ILLEGAL WHICH ALBERT LIVED || |I am a masocide.| || PESTICIDES. TO PHOTOGRAPH. || |I am sprawl | || || |_________(con-__| || There were Often, his father || || gangster weddings would discover || Headpieces of || in the film snapshots of || psychobiological || _Cougar Love_, but tombstones glued || driftwood are || the screen was to the back pages || never allowed to || soon inflamed by of the family || recompose. They || another kind on album. Small || devolve on axes. || uxoricide as a wonder Albert || || fuselage oozed acquired a ||======================|| liquid Joy (and I mortician's || _Delirium || don't mean the technique, smearing|| Trampoline_. || detergent). the lens with so || Slate-gray || "%Insufficiently much glycerine that|| Bassinet on || synthetic%--easy even rotting || window-ledge. || to operate, cities were ||======================|| difficult to use," suffused with an || || one fan was heard incandescent || ...WAS SAID TO || to glower. Sprigs vitality. His || CONJURE. Seconds || of ammoniated aim was to || later, a blood- || cologne did little materialize || vessel broke in || to alleviate the Death's jarring || Albert's jaw, || lack of detail; meanwhile, || spraying his gelid || repetition. Tiny in Armenia, a || lens. This || creatures with statue of Achilles || resulted in a || straws attacked a was discovered to || final tarnishing || bag of oranges in have been || of the image: as || a sequence of installed in the || statues crack, so || heart-warming... wrong region of || do aesthetics. || Kodaly Square. || Albert's last || ...nudity. Man, Rude folk music || words pertained to || child, animated jarred the || the condition of || gargoyle spitting Apollonian || his diffusion disc || flecks of human sensibility which || and not his || skin--all were the Greek torso... || "soul." Delusions || sketched with || of traffic packed || graceful touches || salt into his || by directors Milo || eyes, the lids || & Otis. One || singed off like || wishes this sort || flaps of paper. || of thing were || They joined the || attempted more || ash of flesh that || often, instead of || gathered along the || the disgusting || region defined by || violence which || hills, rounding || lurches into VCR || the veranda like a || doorways. Into || slab of nervure. || graveyards like || Awakenings decayed || Robbie's. || in the silk pond: || || the filleted || ________________ || Muzak... || | | || || | -tinued) whose | || || | last words are | || || | unimportant. | || || | If only there | || || | were terms for | || || | the trace- | || || |________________| The midway bristles with sparks: gridded diamonds on a red sleeve ----------------------------------------------------------------- ================================================================= marks of my _In The Gallery of He feared their fluids. Then I Illiterates_: approach because could define the he knew they would matter (as if it Awkwardly, Planer give no pause for mattered). If balanced his frame explanation. only. Never mind. against the giant Excuses were Nothing can marble scroll, his meaningless to protect my head tilting into illiterate faculties from the its whirlpool of killers. Trained repellence of furls. He was in the iconography human contact. trying to look of television, First, I invited past the Hatchett they could only the pathogenic installation, a read stereotypical embrace of the plexiglass body language. Body. Then I logogriph of explored the carnage, Once they'd closed hyperstimulated cormorants and in on the exhibit, minds of my giant tortrix Planer knew the generation, but moths. His gunmen would read that was worse. attention grew him as an emblem The interior of lost as it snagged of deceit. He the skull is on talons and would be framed filthier than the pincers, on torsos and eye-tried with genitals could whose agonized one glance from ever hope to be. poses were their Emcee. Then The eye in the intended to be a nod would signal window caresses made abstract by Planer's the wind outside, their placement. execution. He and the tongue didn't anticipate evokes its lewd The sculptures remembrance or itchings. This is were enclosed regret. After what we call within red Lucite they'd killed, the %style%, a toilet brackets. These gunmen instantly whirlpool of bad were part of a forgot their champagne which vast equation of victims. Murder attempts to drown molded dwindled to what we cannot thermoplastic slaughterbyte in digest. If only I symbols that their sequence of could isolate the progressed waking and illness. But when expansively across sleeping. I try, my legs the gallery floor: grow spattered pliant algebra A lifetime was a with shit. notations, kind of long- Language becomes indestructible running, ajunkyard of equal signs, infotainment slogans in which a flowchart symbols series; the mind, gutted heart which opened a VCR. Lacking replays its limply to the the voice for craving for pain. casual visitor questions, gunmen Artifacts from the beyond the gate. were usually crematorium snake From the content to get in between my lips. anticipated a few good shots. vile inflections viewer's position, flecked with bile. it was the Raphaelesque style of the sculptures that was foregrounded by their context. But from Planer's vantage point, the sculptures regained their urgency. Close proximity freed them from the distance of Hatchett's ironic age. That was why Planer found it so difficult to concentrate on the progress of the gunmen outside. THE STAINED REMAINS ARE MAINLY DISEMBRAINED ------------------------------------------- (or waned to flame-cerise.) mingled script, contingency fear. Excessive lace entwined her thighs. Kinetic taws of Tiger's Eye retracted like sacs of amber flies. Her wet dreams glistened with slick- haired boys. They stood in oblique The reliquary possessed an air of disquiet. Presences blew through its halls like the scent of violent women. alley light, their Tenaxed razor- cuts framing thin-eyed derision. Astro Heads turned slightly, girlish sentics smirks twisted to depraved. A wind ascertai from nowhere scattered their ned, denims. Torsos froze in profile, deliberat their icy erections nursing her ions pro desire until daylight shone through ve de- the brickface. Then the boys laned. thinned to transparencies. Her Repenta dad's fingers reached through the nce cro loops of zippered legs and parted nes cry hair. Go away, she thought. Don't onodro fuckin' care about me. nes. Im paled, Then Dad surprised her. It seemed he her vei wasn't so prim after all. When she ns lay ignored his commands, he pulled out a tamely knife. He raped her there on the hide- unrestrai away bed, thrusting the knife tang-deep ned. On into her left eye. It had long been his tologies belief that pleasure and punishment must decentra go hand in hand. lized gl ean tart precision s wryly prized. Tradition planes Greased with leech's gleet, Houdini what f proves last repast for Pasolini. ilm re gains: the autonomic, frail terrains.